The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.