for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Europe. Made in Germany.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”