What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“That’s what” – She
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*bites zombie*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on