If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
This meeting could have been a cake
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single