me doing my best
You Might Also Like
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I love you…
…r dog.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue