How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito