Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
God has abandoned us.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others