[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks