I had to Stop for this
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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.