In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.