A small tragedy.
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everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.