The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I need to update my racial profile.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.