*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
New mindset, who dis?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.