Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”