Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.