What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.