I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh