Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Going to church you guys need anything
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math