My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
3% human
97% stress
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Webb. James Webb.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?