Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”