Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
This line from Airplane.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Succinctly put.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.