My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
January has been Januweary
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Dune (2021)
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.