When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype