My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
TODAY
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏