[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.