Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”