I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*puts words between two asterisks*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is