Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
😂😂😂
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Every time my phone rings