Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Dolls on drugs
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself