Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.