An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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me hitting on a model
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The Compass
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.