“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!