If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me