Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house