The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.