[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The sacred texts.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”