Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You Might Also Like
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!