Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
This fish is cracking me up
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Dune (2021)
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.