I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.