I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
this is the best interaction on twitter
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]