You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”