Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Ghost costume 😂
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed