North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
my first dose meeting my second
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk