the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
You Might Also Like
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.