fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
me, after any kind of buffet.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*