Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
mmm onion ringos
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.