If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
The best plant holders?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru