My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Passwords are more important than ever.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend