Anime is real
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.