The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?